I have come to love the time between Christmas and the new year almost as much as I love Christmas itself.
It has become a week of quiet...relative to our household of 3 boys. They are content and playing with their new Christmas treasures and I have time to journal, to browse through seed catalogs, plan, refocus. And this year I savored every moment.
This year, I've decided that my one word will be
TRUTH.
Yes, in the Biblical sense of truth. "the way, the truth, the life". But also I want to focus on the truth in my life.
And here are three truths about me:
Truth #1
I am a good wife. A good wife who is trying to hold on to her marriage with both hands, making sure she is doing everything I can to make it work. The truth is, I might not be able to do enough to make that happen. The truth is, for a long time I have been carrying more than my share of the load. The truth is, I can only do my part.
Truth #2
My husband is battling mental illness. Truth is, he has been for awhile. I don't know if it is something that has always been there and I was just too busy being a good military wife to really see it. Truth is, it may go back to when he was a kid. Truth is, I could have something to do with the stress of being at war for the last 10 years. I don't know. But truth is, its there, it is real and we have to deal with it.
Truth #3
I am a good mother. I am a mother who has good kids. The truth is I can be proud of them. They are respectful and smart and funny. They are active and loving and generous. The truth is they are struggling...one of them in particular. He is angry and I have excused his anger for a long time. The truth is, its time to call a spade a spade and get him the help he needs regarding his learning disability and his emotions.
Truth #4
I am worth it, every bit of it. The truth is I deserve to take time to exercise. The truth is, I am worth putting good food into my body. I am worth flowers and dinners and dancing. Truth is, I am good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Truth is, I deserve to be known. To be cared for. To be loved deeply. Truth is, so are you.
Truth #5
Truth is, I love Jesus. Unfortunately, I tend to want to make everyone feel comfortable. To feel valued. I shy away from confrontation. But truth is, I am scared. I'm scared that you will think I am one of those crazy Christians who don't love gay people, or that I am one of "those" who think that global warming is real, that I am pushy with my faith or won't accept yours. That I am one of "them" who give "us" a bad name. Truth is, I am not. Truth is, my faith is what is keeping me afloat most days.
Truth #6
Truth is, I am not alone.
You would think that a woman who is 38 years old would have learned all of these lessons by now. But the truth is I feel like in many ways, my journey is just now beginning.
Here's to new beginnings. And here's to living in the TRUTH.
Happy 2012!
P.S. One last truth, I can't find my memory card this morning, so your getting instagram pics from my phone. That's the truth. :-)
this is so startling open and honest. you are inspiring me to try to find my truths, and to find places in my life that might need change, others that might just need acceptance. thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteEren, I am in awe of your honesty. Not many people would have the guts to write this down, let alone out where the world can see it. Know that you are not alone in raising a son that has anger deep in him. We struggle daily to see what his mood/s will be and hope for the best. And I love your #5! I'm glad of who you are...I have too many of those #5s on my street..
ReplyDeleteGosh, this is a good one :-)
ReplyDeleteWhy do we shy away from the truth? For sacrificing ourselves, in every way for others? There has to be a balance - stepping up and saying we are valuable while caring for others, too.
sorry to hear about your troubles, Eren. I hope your husband accepts that he needs help and I hope that help comes... I truly do XX
ReplyDeleteAnd truth is beautiful. I know it's hard, but I bet it feels good to let it out.
ReplyDeleteEren, I don't even know what to say. You are such a brave and honest person. Know that I'm lifting you up from here. Know that I'm here for anything you need.
ReplyDeleteno, you are not alone. we are all with you.
ReplyDeleteand i do hope your husband gets the help he needs. mine still won't admit he has a problem, even when a conversation of "you must clean your hoarding and reorganize things" turns into him screaming and crying.
wow. this is so honest and raw and i really want to rush over, coffee in hand, to sit and listen, maybe be a comfort. i think you are brave and true and so inspiring.
ReplyDeletewishing you much love on this journey towards truth.
The truth is, I admire your honesty because it helps all of us when real people tell the real stories of their lives. The truth is, we are not all shiny, happy people.
ReplyDeleteHere for you too.
ReplyDeleteYou have to healthy first. Sounds like you have made a strong beginning on your journey. Call if you need xo
Eren, I just wanted you to know how awesome you are. You know I've been around reading for years and years, but let me tell you...right now this is my favorite place to come read. Maybe this is the year than many of us out here really embrace the truth in our lives and have the bravery to share it. xo my friend, Rach
ReplyDeletetruth is, i really needed to read this! truth is, i admire you. thank you.
ReplyDeleteeren, you are a courageous, loving woman and every word in this post points to that. thank you for your honest and earnest words. i truly appreciate you. xo.
ReplyDeletein this post i am hearing your truth expressed as a turning point for you, a beginning, a place to start to see and think and act from a place of clarity. i hear intention coupled with action. in your truth i hear surrender, acceptance and trust... such beautiful beginnings.
ReplyDeletei thank you for putting your experience here for us to read and join in supporting you.
on the truth # 5...a few members of my family live in that place of very right-leaning christian faith and i struggle with how to define my own spirituality based upon how they think i "should" be doing it. truth is, i keep my journey pretty much quiet, due to not needing to define, discuss, read the "right way", or otherwise judge anyone else's life...so i get that part, and i feel in you a spiritual self, not a religious self which to me seems so much more real.
thank you for sharing your brave new world.
your honesty and truth-telling is so liberating and that freedom will help set others free. I think the fear in speaking truth is that it will leave us all alone...that others can't handle it or don't want to...and yet speaking truth brings and invites others to us. Makes us safe. I can't wait to see how Jesus will use you this year in the lives of others to offer them freedom and hope!
ReplyDeleteyour truth is so openly beautiful eren, and important. as are you. much love to you, friend. xo
ReplyDeleteWow, this is my first visit to your blog and I am absolutely struck by your honesty and bravery. Blessings to you and your new beginnings. By sharing your struggles, and by telling the TRUTH, you help everyone out there to open a bit and to see that we are not alone in our respective struggles. Thank you. And, not that I need to tell you, I'm sure, but always let your light shine, I keep learning that again and again.
ReplyDeletethe truth is, i really REALLY love this post. it is raw and real. and the instagram pictures go so well with it! another thing: the truth will set you free. wishing you strengh on your journey. it does me good to read about real people writing real! thank you!
ReplyDeleteOh, Eren. Love you, lady. Wish I could hand you one of my yoga passes to come to class and have a glass of champagne afterward. You are in my prayers. xo
ReplyDeleteLook at all of us sending you love, Eren. You are really special.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and yours.
I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for the truth; and truth rewarded me.
ReplyDelete-Simone de Beauvoir
hugs and hope to you, Eren.
Sometimes the truth hurts and sometimes it sets you free. Sometimes it brings a re-birth. It sounds like you are in the midst of an awakening. I wish you (and your family) the very best on your/their journey.
ReplyDeleteEren - I'm sitting here, thoughts swirling through my head on what to type. I just want you know how inspiring you are. I love your openness and honesty. Although we've never met IRL, I am so grateful that because of our bond of having twins over nine years ago, our paths have crossed. You are a blessing to me and I want you to know that.
ReplyDeleteI am on my own journey of truth. I didn't really know what to call it, but again, you have put words to my own thoughts. Thank you. Here's to continued strength and truth...
There are times that I really wished I could have kept up with the twins group, but when everyone began getting together and I just couldn't make it happen it was tough. But yes, so glad to "know" you too Kim! There are so many times that I find myself encouraging another mother with tiny babies by sharing your story. You are very inspiring too!!!
DeleteI read this two days ago, but couldn't figure out how to respond. You are so brave to share all you are sharing. Inspiring, too. I love how you are taking control of your life. Many thouht of peace to your on your journey!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lisa...taken any more photo classes lately?
DeleteAs a blogger who strives for honesty and rarely had read the work of anyone else that puts it all out there, I am blown away with your honesty and the beauty of it.
ReplyDeleteI am a Christian who struggles, as I joke I am a reluctant Christian who like you has feared that label. I feel I was meant to read your post today. Blessings to you and trust that as it us written in Romans 8:28 "all things work together for good to those who love God"
Eren, I just found your new blog. Bravo to you. The truth is always a lot scarier when it is unsaid.
ReplyDeleteEight years ago I was in a very similar place, trying to keep a marriage together and figuring out how we got to this place. Now, I can't imagine what life would be like without those difficult years and marriage counseling because we are so much better because of them. Funny how some things turn out to be blessings.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I look forward to seeing where you go.
Im hoping in the end we can make it work and look back on it and smile that we made it through. Thanks for the encouragement.
DeleteEren, I'm just finding this today and I am completely touched. Your honesty is beautiful and you are a strong amazing woman. Know that this friend, who shares some of your truths, especially #5, is praying and loving you a few states away. If there's every anything....you know where to find me. xoxo.
ReplyDeleteThanks Molly, glad you found me ;-)
Delete<3
ReplyDeleteStruggling with many of the same things here. Wait listed to get testing for one of my boys who clearly has a learning disability. Loving Jesus while trying to keep everyone comfortable. Wanting to get more comfortable with who I am. Sometimes not finding the time to even think about who that is.
ReplyDeleteOh Ginny, sounds like we have a lot in common right now...except you have twice as many kids! Ha!
DeleteEren, it is so good to hear your voice again. Thank you for sharing your truths. You are everything you say.
ReplyDeleteLOVE! the truth will set you free. what a powerful brave step. i can relate to much of this. actually i can relate to every single number in one way shape or form. you are not alone. i fought to find balance, walked through the trenches of tragedy and mental illness, love my children and continue to figure out how to support them and the effects of said trauma (one more than the others), need to remind myself i am worth it & enough, thankful i have Jesus to keep me afloat during seasons of turbulent seas with enough and all His love & acceptance & appreciation to go around. brave and hopefully a little lighter by speaking the truth.
ReplyDelete